"Can't Help ... Won't" - my thoughts on a huffington post artical

"In people on the Autistic Spectrum who present as Pathological Demand Avoidance, they can't help the fact that they won't do something - the reason they won't is because they can't; it's too difficult for them." - https://www.huffingtonpost.co.uk/neil-ayres/cant-help-wont-_b_7783632.html

   

Someone I love has an Autism Spectrum Disorder (ASD) diagnosis. People judge and say:
-	my loved one is "manipulative,"	Nope.
-	my loved one is "dominating"	Nope.
-	my loved one shows evidence of "bad" parenting,	Nope.
-	my loved one has Oppositional Defiant Disorder (ODD).	and Nope.

My loved one has these PDA traits:
-	intolerable pressure towards expectations (like routines, chores, scheduled outings) from self and others with uncanny perseverance and ability to use interpersonal skills to avoid those tasks even when they genuinely want to do the task;
-	passionate often obsessive concern within their social circle but a delay in understanding social nuances that seems overly naïve;
-	negative results from traditional parenting techniques like rewards, praising behavior, punishment, and time out;
-	successive unexpected impetus mood swings;
-	extensive devotion to pretend or role play sometimes with a need to direct the play;

In the beginning, I discussed my relationship with my loved one with others. Without fail others wanted to give me advice even though they had NO experience, NO training, and NO empathy for my loved one.

I don't have PDA but today this is the closest way I can explain where my loved one lives.

I had been so excited to go into this building. I remember it had been the tallest building in the world. I was the one who chose to go there. As soon as I entered the building, I started crying. We walked back outside and I calmed down. I really wanted to go. I'm not afraid of heights. This fear had nothing to do with any threat I could hear or see. Outside I could reason. We entered slower this time. We entered the elevator and it started going up. I was telling myself that I was safe. I started popping my ears from the change in elevation. That's when the elevator fell. The emergency brakes caught and stopped the elevator. All the passengers were thrown to the floor. Something was reset and it continued to the top. Everyone was relieved but not me.
Even though I had arrived at the restaurant, I was devastated. I spent the whole time shivering and vomiting. I was unable to enjoy the view and I was unable to eat. Everything in me was screaming. I was unable to think or reason.

This is it. This is where my loved one goes. They have an automatic physiological reaction to a threat.

When my group was done eating, I was no longer vomiting. I still refused to get back in the elevator. I walked down all 107 flights of stairs. At that point, after an hour or so and walking down 107 flights of stairs, I was still upset, I was still shivering. 

My loved one perceive threats where their rational mind does not. It does not make their reaction any less. They cannot even rationalize with themselves.